Dysfunctional Financial Personality #6 - The Revolving Door Romantic
29 August 2006This post is part of a series looking at the worst of the worst of people’s financial personalities. We’ve already discussed the Peacock, who feels the need to spend in order to impress. We’ve also taken a look at the Mattress Stuffer, who is compulsively afraid of risk and the stock market. Then, we looked at the Foot Dragger, who waits until the last minute to save for retirement. We saw the Emotional Spender, who can’t keep from blowing money to feel good. Finally, we took a look at the Obsessive Tightwad, who takes saving money to an extreme when he/she really should be earning it.
Today, we’re looking at a new personality type whose love life has spilled over into their finances: the Revolving Door Romantic. These people get themselves into big financial trouble with two aspects of their love life: the tendency to get into serious relationship after serious relationship, and the tendency to go into these relationships without any thought about the finances.
A big part of the problem stems from the “Romantic” part of this personality type. A Revolving Door Romantic simply does not want to think about the money. That kills the “romance” in the relationship. Who wants to talk to a prospective spouse about money? It sounds like you don’t love them or trust them - or are planning on either fighting with them about money or divorcing them. It’s that attitude that leads to problems later on.
These problems can happen during marriage - what if one spouse wants to spend more money than the other? The person who wants to save is unable to do so. What if your spouse is running up credit card debts or not paying your bills and ruining your credit? You didn’t talk about it beforehand, because it wasn’t romantic - and now you get to see the part of the relationship that wasn’t in all those date movies. And it’s also that much harder to come to an agreement. The person who wants to spend may feel justifiably miffed about having to suddenly change their lifestyle. They didn’t agree to that! So you’re stuck trying to compromise after the fact, when it’s a whole lot harder to do so.
Not only is it bad for your finances, but it’s bad for your marriage. The Revolving Door Romantic “revolves” for a reason - those blinders keep them from talking about the very thing that ends up causing the most friction in many marriages. One women’s issues site I found claims that according to divorce lawyers they talked to, more marriages end from money problems than from cheating. So being ”romantic” predictably gets rid of the real romance in the end. You fight about money, you can’t agree on it because you’ve never sat down and come to terms, and you end up breaking off the relationship. That brings us to the revolving door part. Even with the new financial problems from the breakup, the Revolving Door Romantic will be looking for a new romance. It’s just what people do. And until they come to grips with their financial problems, the new relationship is going to be no better than the last.
So what are the costs of these relationships? Often they’re astronomical. The Boston Globe had an article on two people who have this personality type getting married, again, to each other. The costs from the past marriage were a big stumbling block to the new one - for example, child support and alimony for the husband:
But McCullough’s alimony and child support payments total another $30,000 a year, so monthly fixed costs are “quite high.” Kelly receives $150 per week from her ex-husband, a construction worker, and she said payment is erratic.
This single excerpt illustrates all the potential financial problems with unplanned parenthood, which are a big part of the problem here. I’m not going to get into any of the huge political or moral arguments that people have about these issues. But from a financial perspective, it’s a bad idea to have kids without planning for them. And even if you plan perfectly, if you’re in a rocky relationship that goes south you can end up paying for it in ways you didn’t expect.
The man in the Boston Globe article ended up paying $30,000 a year in child support and alimony because of previous relationships. And arguably, he’s not even the worse off of the two - the woman got stuck with virtually no support from an ex who can’t or won’t pay. Both of them are stuck with huge expenses, which are a big burden in trying to start all over again, let alone trying to save for retirement.
But let’s not put all the blame on the kids - it wasn’t their decision, after all. Each relationship you start and end has its own costs. There’s setting yourself up in a new house. The cost of moving. Paying for an attorney if you have to get a divorce. Getting a second version of everything you used to be sharing, from cars to furniture. Often one party gets less than their fair share of the assets. There will be all kinds of expenses you haven’t even thought of. So the more times you start and end a relationship serious enough for you to have moved in together, the more times your life is going to be in upheaval - and you’ll be paying extra for it.
What do you do if you think you’re a Revolving Door Romantic?
1) Ditch the money taboo. Do not move in with someone or get married to them until you’ve come to a detailed agreement about how you’re going to handle money. There are lots of ways to do this, and different agreements work better for different people. Some people want one person who’s better with money to handle everything. Some want it 50/50. Sometimes people will just agree to keep their money separate - it makes them happier to have the control, and there’s no fighting. They each just agree to pay a portion of common bills according to how much they make. What matters is you both have to AGREE. And you also both have to keep talking about money, calmly, on a regular basis. You need to be making plans together and sticking to them. It’s a lot harder for one person to sabotage your goals if they’re specific and on paper.
2) If you’ve got frequent problems with this, get financial counseling. Many people wouldn’t go back to a spouse who cheated without getting a marriage counseler. So why be in a relationship without counseling about money if you’ve got financial problems, which are apparently a much more common issue in breakups? Counseling can make sure that both parties get educated about money (a suprisingly big problem in relationships - lack of education keeps things from being 50/50). It also can help you come to an agreement if you can’t do it on your own.
3) If you’ve been divorced repeatedly, get a prenup. Sound harsh? Well, yes, it is. But if you’re on marriage number two, it’s kind of hard to tell yourself it’s forever. It might not be, and that’s the reality you don’t want to admit - which is why most people try to ignore these financial issues. It’s like conceding that there is a chance the marriage won’t work out. But if you’re in your fifties, and you’ve got a nest egg built up - you can’t risk it being split up if the two of you do. You might end up unable to retire.
4) Don’t have kids unless you want them and can pay for them. Again, I understand this isn’t a “rule” that everyone can adhere to because of their own beliefs or practices with regard to religion or politics. But it’s also true that pretty much every set of beliefs I’ve heard of has a way to influence the chances of you having children or not. People do things ranging from abstinence to birth control to abortion to adoption. I’ve got my own beliefs about which of these are OK and you’ve got yours, but, consistent with what you think, understand that it is better to put off having kids until you’re ready, financially and in your marriage.
5) Don’t have kids to try to save a rocky marriage. Chances are it’s going to end badly, for the kids and for both parents. So don’t go out and have kids because you think it’s going to keep you together. If your pregnancy is planned, it should be during a healthy period of the marriage.
6) Don’t jump back into a serious relationship until you’re financially ready. If you’ve been through a few bad ones, take the time to get on your feet first, so that you can start your next relationship without the financial problems hanging over your head. I’m not saying you have to go be a monk for the next four years. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t merge finances with anybody, through marriage or moving in together, until you are ready.
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