Retired Husband Syndrome - Retired Japanese Men Make Their Wives Sick
9 October 2006This is apparently a real phenomenon in Japan - men who are retiring from the workplace become isolated from their friends, lonely, and more demanding and controlling - causing actual illness in their wives because of stress. It’s been named “Retired Husband Syndrome,” and it’s likely a lot worse there than what you’d expect in the U.S. because of a more traditional, patriarchal culture:
Feeling chained to the tradition of older women remaining utterly dedicated to their husbands’ well-being, Terakawa said, she devoted herself to her spouse. Retirement cut him off from his longtime office social network, leaving him virtually friendless and her with the strain of filling his empty time. Within a few weeks, she said, he was hardly leaving the house, watching television and reading the newspaper — and barking orders at her. He often forbade her to go out with her friends. When he did let her go, Terakawa said, she had to prepare all his meals before leaving.
After several months, she developed stomach ulcers, her speech began to slur and rashes broke out around her eyes. When doctors discovered polyps in her throat but could find no medical reason for her sudden burst of ailments, she was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed stress-related RHS.
Some people see it occurring in the U.S. as well, though not as severely. An American version here involves the guy not cleaning up while the wife does. Well, duh - but that’s got nothing to do with retirement. A better follow-up article in the Washington Post gets the point Americans should be paying attention to:
But post-retirement marital malaise takes various forms in the United States. For starters, the retiring husband may be at greater risk of getting sick than his wife is. Retirement that marks the end of a career is often experienced as a loss. In the nation’s capital, where workaholism is prevalent, a person’s identity is mainly rooted in a job title. When the big job ends, he may wonder: Who am I? Depression is a major risk for the retiring spouse, especially if he has developed no outside interests during his career and has no network of friends beyond the office.
Most retiring Americans aren’t deluded into thinking the marriage is going to last too long if they sit around barking orders while they watch T.V. - but the root of the problem is the same. As you’re retiring, you need to find something to do with your life outside of work. Preferably this should be happening PRIOR to the actual retirement. If you’re 60, and you have no hobbies or activities that you like to do outside of work, you need to find something. Inactivity just doesn’t work all that well for most people, but it’s surprising how many people make it to the end of their lives without ever finding something they like to do in their free time. It just doesn’t seem all that important when you’re working and are happy to just be relaxing. But when you hit 65, as the article points out, you’ll cause a lot of stress for both yourself and your spouse if you try to jump straight into a life of leisure.
I increasingly think a big part of retirement planning should be outside the financial realm. Most people who make plans sit around dreaming about retirement. They’re going to go cruise around islands somewhere or travel to Asia or Europe. The problem is, you won’t be doing that all the time. If you’re over 50, it’s a good idea to do another exercise, similar to budgeting: take notes and make a “schedule” of how you spend your free time over a month or so. I’m not talking about planning it in advance - I mean write it down after the fact in schedule form. Ask yourself whether you really have enough stuff to do to fill up an entire day if your work were simply eliminated. If not, you need to find some hobbies or activities that won’t eat up too much time now, but that you can “blow up” if you get bored of sitting around. This shouldn’t be too difficult - from reading to blogging to golf to poker, there’s a lot out there you could be interested in. Getting started before retirement will keep it from feeling “forced” - and it will give you a chance to figure out if you really like the hobby, or are just going to get bored with it in the long run. It’s easier to gradually slow down than it is to slam on the brakes.
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